| Wow....it has literally almost been a year since I wrote on Xanga. Being swept by the new wave of "Facebookitis" and other things, I really deemed Xanga a dead thing to me. A thing of the past if you will. So on this hot summer night where I am restlessly awake at 4:30 in the morning I decided to take a trip down memory lane and browse through the old Xanga entries and I found myself quite amused. Critical life moments have been recorded and, aside from my memory, would not have remembered these thoughts had I not "written them down". This has sparked a reborn interest in me to do the exact thing I initially set out on Xanga to do: record the happenings of my life. I had gotten mixed up in the need for comments, for someone else to tell me that THEY thought my life was interesting; just a feeling that SOMEONE out in the world, (aside from my sisters), cared about what happened to me in my life. I've come the the conclusion that my life is interesting to me. I want to remember the time I wrote about a hot summer day restlessly awake 20 years later. To me, its like each entry counts as a sentence, paragraph, or page to my own autobiography. It's kinda cool once you think about it. So after that an update: I have graduated from the University of Michigan (WHOOO HOOO!!!) with a BA in Psychology and the absolutely wonderful part is I have NO idea what I want to do with this degree... There have been little to no changes in the work, housing, and transportation department, but I know that's getting ready to end. Relationship: none existent; I'm really quite comfortable with being single and on the occasion that I am asked, "well who is your boyfriend?" I am both amused and shocked that I actually haven't thought about it much, which leaves the inquirer with a puzzled look on their face as if I was said to them, "None of your business". JMINDS had a semi reunion: Kemma is pregnant and due next month, Jenny had another baby; a girl who is now 5 months...that no one knew she had, I-Sha is living with her boyfriend and getting ready for some big chances in her life, and Dana is working and getting ready to move to Westland. There is so much more in that but to write it all now will take me til 7 in the morning and I just haven't the time right now. My growth in God...hmmm.....This has proven to be a rather interesting journey. I read my last post, almost a year ago and find that not much has changed. Now, to an untrained eye this could seem tragic, almost pathetic, "How could you say a year ago that you were having a Breakthrough, but you're seemingly in the same position?" Key word is seemingly...The interesting, and almost devastating, fact about God is: HIS TIME IS NOT OUR TIME! My breakthrough in itself is a journey; it was a journey to it, it will be a journey through it, and, (yes, you've guessed it!), a journey after it. Our lives are just massive journeys staged at different points in our lives. Now back to this seemingly stagnant part: For a person who is waiting there are key elements one must possess to achieve the desired result without going completely insane and without doing damage to the process in itself. Take childbirth for example, now I have never experienced it but have a pretty good generalizable idea of what goes into it. The moment you find out you're pregnant there are certain things you must do to entail the safety and security of your child, perhaps a change in foods, cessation of harmful habits, (i.e., smoking/drinking), frequent doctors visits and intake of prescribed medications, a good regime of exercise and rest, etc., etc. You don't really think of the alternative, (the child not being born), and so start preparing for the imminent birth of your child. As you near the birth, this journey that you take may be long and hard, smooth, whatever the case may be what happens for your mother may not be the same for you. You are an individual and each person's journey is different. As you near the end the hardest part seems to be before you: the pushing. In women's recollection of the actual labor many have said that they felt like they were going to die, that they never thought their bodies capable of such an awesome task, and also, (my favorite), I thought I was going to be pushing FOREVER! In all that goes into childbirth the women who perform it have a similar process as a person going through breakthrough: they had to be patient: whether the baby came early or late, it came when it was time, not when the mother poked her stomach and said, "Hey I think today should be the day." they had to listen: when a doctor says don't push and you feel like pushing you have to be trained first to be able to distinguish the doctor's voice from the other people in the room and to have enough will to stop yourself from advancing, knowing that the doctor is probably telling you to stop pushing for a reason and that the same goes for God; know His voice and obey when He tells you something, He too is probably telling you something for a very good reason they had to exert time and energy: its not easy giving birth to a baby and its not easy going through a breakthrough, enough said and lastly but not least, they had to endure it alone: all the people that can be in the room cannot help you physically give birth to your baby/breakthrough. People can be there to encourage, but you have to do the work yourself. And so to no one in particular, (perhaps to myself), I continue to push and await that moment that I can relax and look at the joy that I have birthed. Well it is now 5am and I'm going to try to get some sleep. So until next time.... M. White
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